Thursday, 12 December 2019

The Male Urine Test

Kafka Museum: Statue rotates and pees.
Well now that I am getting older, I've begun to notice some weird new tests that the doctor has ordered for me. Welcome to being old enough to be able to call yourself a … pensioner. How the hell did that happen?! Wasn't it only yesterday that I lied about my age with a phoney ID card so that I could go into a pub with my older buds and enjoy a few brews?

So here I am, waiting anxiously for the latest weird new medical procedure; my first colonoscopy appointment. Yea, lucky me. Once again it occurs to me that I am, in fact, getting older and that my biological clock is starting to tick down. Isn't it just old people who get this procedure done? Didn't even think of this test thirty years ago! Ah, the circle of life! *sigh*

So here I am, a North American male, suddenly finding himself somewhere north of 60-years of age, and toying with the concept of retirement (or at least semi-retirement). When it may or may not actually happen, remains to be seen. What are the minimum conditions necessary to survive retirement? Well, aside from the obvious financial considerations, another key element is apparently health, and thus the plethora of doctor-ordered weird and new tests. And so, hello colonoscopy.

Reflecting still further on some of these weird tests, I recently came across an interpretation of male urine test results which I found interesting, and even a little amusing (as if peeing in a cup isn't already amusing enough in its own twisted way). The way the test works is that we men need to take our urine test outside to the garden (forget the cup), and there among the wife's favourite shrubs, or the neighbour's fish pond, let nature take its course, and do what comes naturally … pee.

Ah, what a relief it is! Nothing like the world being your outhouse!

Interpreting the Results
  • if ants gather, you may have diabetes
  • if you pee on your foot, there may be a prostate issue
  • if your pee smells like a barbecue, there may be a cholesterol issue
  • if when you shake it afterwards, your wrist hurts, it may be a sign of osteoarthritis 
  • if you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants, it may be a sign of Alzheimers
Well there you have it; the male urine test simplified. You're welcome.


Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons
Test Results Source: Unknown

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