Sunday, 30 October 2016

I Married My Best Friend: Me

And now for something really strange ...

We've all heard the expression, "I married my best friend," and usually that's a pretty sweet sentiment. But have you ever wondered what the wedding photos might look like if you happened to be your own best friend? Wonder no more.

What was she/he thinking?

Was there really no other available fish in the pond? Was she/he scared to be stood up at the altar? Was his/her significant other perhaps clad in a similar outfit? Perhaps there's a little gender confusion going on inside of him/her? Problem solved; just marry yourself.

I guess, to paraphrase an old adage, you have to learn to love yourself before you can learn to love another. Hmm ...

Photo Source: Unknown

Friday, 1 July 2016

Always Wear Underwear

Remember the old motherly advise of always wearing clean underwear everyday? The rationale for this was, if I remember correctly, that if you were ever in a accident, those who attended the scene would at least find a man/woman properly clad with clean undergarments, and by default, would not think less of you because of dirty and smelly underwear.

Somehow, I think that the state of my undergarments would be the last thing on the mind of the EMS should they ever attend an emergency call that I was involved in. Still, it was mom's advise, and we all want to respect our mothers, so clean underwear every day it is.

Well, what about those individuals who for whatever reason choose not to wear underwear at all? That's where this story comes in:

Well there you have it. While having clean underwear is important, actually wearing them appears to be more important.

Photo Source: Flickr Creative Commons
Story Source: Unknown

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

The One That Didn't Get Away

"Size isn't important, unless you're a fisherman." (anonymous)

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day." (anonymous)

Fishing is one of those great outdoorsy activities that, unlike many of my friends, I've never really gotten into. I've often thought about it, though taking up the activity hasn't officially made my bucket list. At least not yet. I am amazed, however, at the talent of some fishermen, able to reel in a fish even twice their own body weight. Wow! You see some of these trophy fish, and you wonder how they did it. If it wasn't for the picture, this would just be another fish story that may be hard to believe.

The Fisherman's Prayer: "Lord, help me to catch a fish so large, that even I in the tell of it, need never to lie." (anonymous)

Photo Source: Unknown

Saturday, 23 April 2016

The Other Side of Transgender Bathrooms?

So we stopped at Walmart this afternoon, and before shopping, I excused myself to visit the men's room, all the while my wife, daughter, and son-in-law waited for me near the entrance to the store.

Much to my dismay, and hidden from their sight, was the fact that the men's room had a barricade by its entrance so that staff could clean the washroom. So I simply stood there waiting for cleaning staff to do their thing and remove the barricade for me.

Now one of the things I appreciate about my son-in-law is his sense of humour; perhaps it is because it very closely resembles my own twisted funny-bone. So as I stood there, crossing my legs and with a blank stare on my face patiently waiting to take care for some much-needed business, I suddenly receive a text message from him asking if I was confused by the "transgender sign." I know that transgender washrooms are a sensitive subject for many today, but at the time it almost created the need for another floor clean up for that poor housekeeper. The tone behind the message did strike me strangely funny.

But seriously, at least at the time of this writing, Walmart continues providing the traditional men's and women's (separate) washrooms, despite all the noise on the subject. Personally, I applaud them for that.

Monday, 18 April 2016

3 Reasons Why Your Dog May Be Smarter Than You

Watching my dog’s mannerisms the other day, and noting the way I treat her, I’ve come to the conclusion that dogs may be smarter than their owners.

There’s the way we communicate. She barks, and sometimes she whines, and I’m ashamed to say that, I don’t always know what she wants. Do you want to go outside to go pee? Has a stray cat entered the yard and you want to go outside to “play?” Does something hurt (I hope not)? What are you trying to say, puppy?  Compare that with my communication methods, and we quickly see that puppy scores the point: I tell her to sit, to stay, to come, to roll over, to go lay down, to leave it (when approaching another dog on our walks), and she instantly complies and obeys. Unlike her communication with me, I don’t have to tell her twice; she got it the first time. Clearly, she’s smarter than me.

There’s the way we eat. She’s not fussy. I, on the other hand, do tend to be that way sometimes. If I allowed it (which I don’t) she would eat anything I have on my plate. Me? Not so much. I tend to be a little more, well, fussy. For example, I won’t eat anything that she has on her plate, even though we buy only the highest quality of dog food for her directly from the vet clinic. No box-store no-name pseudo-food for my puppy! She only gets the best, yet I won’t eat it. Funny thing is, even if I had a low-grade K-D on my plate, she would clean it up and be grateful for it. Score: Puppy 1, Owner 0.

There’s the way we exist. I go to work every day at a high-stress job just to make enough money to survive until next payday. It’s the way and the curse of man, I suppose. Work hard, pay your taxes, and then quietly die. Puppy, on the other hand, has it figured out. Simply exist, be the proverbial “man’s best friend,” and she will be fed, and sheltered, and taken for walks, and loved … for free. And all that, with no stress whatsoever! Here too, puppy wins: Dog 1; Me 0.

Am I missing something here? No, I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if I did, in my next life, I would want to come back as a dog; not as an abused dog like some unfortunately are, but as one loved and cared for, like my dog is by me. Yes, she really is, this man’s “best friend.” And, “Yes,” she really may be, smarter than me.

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Illiteracy and the Newspaper

I had to laugh at the irony.

I was out running a few errands last Saturday. There’s nothing really unusual about that; it’s a common fate of most of us on our days off. However, when I turned back up my driveway later that morning, I couldn’t help but notice a newspaper on the ground by my front door.

“Strange,” I thought. “I don’t subscribe to our local pseudo-news rag. What’s that doing here? Must be a new guy on the route.”

As I thought about this further, and wondered why I was now getting slightly ticked about the situation, I suddenly had an epiphany. It occurred to me that it wasn’t really a case of it lying on the ground, not half a foot in front of an otherwise perfectly good mailbox that bothered me (all though that in and of itself revealed something of the laziness of its earlier carrier). No, what really struck me as funny, in a sad sort of way, was the fact that there is a little sign immediately above my mailbox, which clearly stated,


I couldn’t help but wonder as to which part of that sign the newspaper carrier couldn’t understand. Here was free Saturday edition of our local newspaper, clearly labeled as being a “Complimentary Copy,” and thus obviously designed to boost their subscriber levels. Here was something being offered gratuitously, obviously aimed toward those who are at least semi-educated and who aren’t illiterate, being delivered by someone who apparently can’t read. How ironic!

Don’t get me wrong; I appreciated the free newspaper, and I am not mocking illiteracy, but why on earth would I now subscribe to a newspaper that so blatantly and obviously didn’t subscribe to my clearly posted wishes, or at the very least, didn’t properly train their carriers on respecting this homeowner’s wishes?

Or am I missing something here? Hmm.

First Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons

Thursday, 4 February 2016

A Multi-Purpose Medical Prescription Alternative?

"Do you find your yourself longing for the apocalypse? I did. I was looking for a reason to live. Hi. Are you feeling tired, irritable, stressed out? Well, you might consider nature."

"Nature can save you from your neutered existence. ... If you care more about selfies than preserving the natural beauty and wonder of the environment, you may need to increase your dose of nature."

Do we tend to gravitate towards the offerings of the big pharmaceutical companies a little too often? I've sometimes wondered about that. Obviously there's a place for prescription medications, but it seems to me that it's equally obvious that perhaps sometimes there are healthier alternatives with less negative side effects right under our noses and, as these videos show us, right outside our doors.

There's something to be said for the "Nature Rx."

Well there you have it. See you on the trails of nature.

Photo Credit: Federico Casares, Flickr Creative Commons

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Fresh Breath Bandit?

Every once in a while one runs into a story that makes you sit up and say, "Hmm." My wandering through the news headlines this past weekend brought about another one of those strange "Weird-O-Meter" stories that I just couldn't pass up.

It seems that a burglar in a community north of Toronto broke into a drugstore, not once, but twice. No, he didn't raid the drug counter, as one might suppose would happen in a drugstore heist. He raided the candy aisle, and more specifically, the chewing gum section. He allegedly loaded up his heist in a garbage bag, left the store, and promptly came back in for another gleaning, filling a second bag before exiting into an awaiting taxi. The value of the stolen chewing gum exceeded $1500.

Now, a caveat is in order: I do NOT endorse or promote any criminal activity whatsoever. However, and I don't know about you, but it seems to me that if one were so criminally inclined as to take a chance on committing a theft felony, you would 'maybe' do it with a slightly more valuable item. One doesn't (logically) rob the local Safeway store of chewing gum; at today's prices, one raids the meat aisle. If you're going to commit the crime and break into a drugstore, where do you suppose the valuable items are? The gum aisle??? I mean, if you're going to risk the very high likelihood of getting caught and receiving that criminal record and jail time anyways, why not make it worthwhile? Or am I missing something here? I mean, isn't that a bit like a bank robber holding up the bank for it's supply of Post-it notes, all the while leaving the vault and cash drawers untouched?

That's the way I see it. Maybe he was just after some fresh breath. Hmm.

Anyways, you can read the full story here.

Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons

My New Weight Management System

I stepped on the scale the other morning and it said, "One at a time, please." But seriously, my weight is at an all time high. Sigh. You'd think there should be some sort of award for that. And the winner is ...

Having said that, I think I may have come up with a new weight management system. My doctor will be so proud, especially since he said recently, "You're not retaining water; you're retaining food." I'll show him! You can't retain that which you can't get into your mouth!

The good news is, though, this weight management system should still allow me to suck up a cold beer or two. The only trick that I can foresee is to slurp up the beer as it's poured into the cone quickly enough before it runs down the side of my neck and ruins my clothes. That would be "alcohol abuse!"

Photo Credit: Unknown (via Facebook)

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Most Expensive Puppies in the World?

Some people have way too much money!

I get the the idea of loving one's dog (Lord knows I love mine), but to spend $137K to clone it after it dies, well, that's bordering a little high on my "weird-o-meter." Yet that is apparently what a UK couple did; they had their beloved pooch cloned after he died, and from those extracted cells, they received two puppies in exchange. So if you were ever wondering what the most expensive puppies in the world were, wonder no more.

Thanks, but no thanks. When that horrible day comes and my pooch passes on, I am more likely to rescue another one from our local Humane Society. They only charge about $300.

Read the full article here.

Sunday, 3 January 2016

of Recycled Toilet Paper

"Endangered forests are being slaughtered for toilet paper."
Daphne Zuniga

Online recently I saw someone ask about the logic behind toilet paper advertising. They reasoned, "Doesn't everyone already buy it?" Makes sense to me.

But seriously (sort of), think about some of those toilet paper ads and slogans. Here's a few I've noticed: Pillow Soft, Ultra Soft, Ultra Strong, Using Less Never Felt So Good, Silky Soft, Soft As Old Linen, You'll Prefer _____ (Brand name), Rapid Dissolving, With New Diamond Weaver Texture, Luxury Texture, With Aloe, It's the Little Things, and my favourite, Clean Ripple Texture Removes More.

I don't know about you, but I normally don't buy my toilet paper based upon fancy slogans; I buy it based upon the cheapest price. I mean, you're going to flush it away anyways, so why spend unnecessary dollars on it? Right? But there is one concern that I do have when it comes to buying toilet paper; I'm not so cheap that I will buy the "Recycled" varieties, such as the one depicted in the picture above. "100% Recycled ShitBegone." Hmm. Can you imagine reusing toilet paper that someone else has already used? Yucky. I wonder if Mike Rowe ever had to collect that used toilet paper for recycling on Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs? Hmm.

I guess it's like buying oats; it comes a little cheaper once it's already been through the horse.

Photo Source: Unknown