Saturday, 6 December 2014

A Glimpse into Yesteryear's Advertising

Advertising that we'll never see again ... Thankfully.

I wonder if my wife would really be happier Christmas morning if I bought her a Hoover? Hmm

Maybe instead of a Hoover, she'd rather have a new Kenwood mixer. Is that "what wives are for?" Wow!

If neither the Hoover nor the Kenwood appeal to her, or if she already got them on Christmases past, we could always let her choose one of these sexy new kitchen gadgets. Wouldn't she be thrilled?

Don't worry about getting fat by keeping your wife in the kitchen all the time. Last time she went shopping she stocked up on jar-packed "Sanitized Tape Worms." They will take care of any extra calories. So go ahead; "Eat, Eat, Eat!"

Then, when the baby needs feeding, she can further bond with the child over a Blatz beer. What a great way to be "Picked Up" after a long day of cooking and cleaning.  And when little Mary grows up, she'll fondly remember her first "Girl's Night Out" with mom, assuming she has any brain cells left to remember mom with.

"How soon is too soon?" When it's time to wean junior off mother's milk and Blatz beer, it's only logical that it's time to introduce the child to cola. Yummy. Apparently it's never too soon.

Once that cola habit is firmly in place, it's time to introduce them to that wonderful babysitter, your new Motorola television set. The benefits to our children are ... "better behaviour at home and better marks in school." Hmm.

Then after too much cola while being properly educated in front of all those hours of TV, the toothaches will begin due to all that sugar. Thankfully there's Lloyd Manufacturing's "Cocaine Toothache Drops," guaranteed to bring an instantaneous cure ... and a life-long addictions problem.

Of course, it's not just the teeth that will rot and fall out from all that cola; mama's little princess may become mama's little "Chubbie." No matter, Lane Bryant has a wardrobe for her too. Doesn't that just ring out encouragement? Hmm.

Guys, what can we say? The harder our wives work, the cuter they look. It must be true; advertisers don't lie, do they? Now if that isn't the best pick up line ever, I don't know what is. (I'm kidding, of course).

If she doesn't follow you with that pick up line, try blowing smoke in her face and she'll certainly follow you anywhere. There's no turn-on for a woman quite as grand as second-hand smoke deliberately blown her way!

She may even follow you to see the doctor about that sore throat. No doubt the doctor will recommend you give up the Tipalets you've been smoking and switch to Camels. After all, "More doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette!" Doctor knows best.

So go ahead, "Have a fag!" Everyone knows, there's probably a better chance of being killed by being struck by a bus than from smoking anyway. Have a fag?

And what a better place to enjoy "a fag," than by taking "a Gay Cruise." Doesn't that just sound wonderful? Look how much fun those adults are having playing with their children's puppets. Doesn't it just make you want to book a voyage on American Export Lines? Where do I sign up? Hmm, Not!

Well there you have it; a glimpse back in time to yesteryear's advertising. If we've changed that much since those days, it kind of makes one wonder what advertising will look like in 50 or 100 years from now. Do you suppose future generations will shake their heads in disbelief at our advertising today just like we've done with ads such as these? I wonder what other common words today will someday evolve into completely different meanings. Hmm.

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