Sunday, 26 January 2014

Sunday, 12 January 2014

A Guy's Perspective of 'the Rules'


Ever notice how we men always seem to hear 'the rules' from the female side? Now finally someone has taken the time to write ‘the rules’ from the male’s perspective.

Guys, these are our rules!

They are not original to me, so feel free to tweak them and post them as you see fit (or are brave enough to), however I accept no responsibility for the consequences you may face with the fairer sex if you actually choose to do so. Please note that these are all deliberately numbered #1, for they are all equally important.
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1. Men are not mind readers.

1. You’re a big girl; learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down; you don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work; strong hints do not work; obvious hints do not work; just say it!

1. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it; that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. You really don’t need to ask us.

1. If something we allegedly said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, but not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape; round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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The preceding announcement has been brought to you by ERAM (Equal Rights Association for Men).

Source: While I have tweaked the preceding story, it is not original to me, and as such is anonymous.
Caveat: The preceding is written in jest, and any association with an actual "ERAM" is purely coincidental.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

The Christmas Letter ...


I love Christmas letters, especially when they arrive in the Christmas season, and especially when they have something to do with Christmas, or at the very least, updating me on some interesting things from the lives of family and friends.

Other Christmas letters, well, I guess they're good too; they can always serve as blog fodder … such as this one.

While it’s a funny story, one that many of us no doubt have heard before, I thought I would share the contents of my latest (January) Christmas (???) letter with you. Here it is:
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One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take up a step.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW ……….

Enough of that crap … The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a**, it always comes back to bite you.
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I’m still not sure what that has to do with Christmas. Oh “well” (pun intended).

Story Source: Unknown